50 shades of Exercise

50 shades of Exercise 💋
Chapter 4

She chucked the kids dinner in the microwave 🍴
Her husband was working late 👨‍💻
She had 4 minutes to get herself dressed for her workout 
She ripped off her work shirt 👚tugged off her pants 👖 unclipped her bra "ahhh" she moaned 👙
She went to Mt Everest in the spare room 
It was the pile of washing to be sorted, folded, ironed (haha) and put away.
She pushed and pulled the pile until she found a sports bra.
After a lot of jumping & almost dislocating her shoulder she got the bra on.

"Beep, Beep, Beep" 
Fuck the microwave was finished.
The kids head turned like Chucky's, he transformed into zombie and started to walk towards the kitchen chanting "more, more, more".
This means he is hungry.
She quickly chucked his dinner in the fridge to try & cool it down.

The zombie then flew into a rage.
"MORE, MORE, MORE"
She had to jump about and entertain him for a few minutes.
The Zombie would not let her passed, she could not make it back to Mt Everest 
She was going to have to do her workout in her sports bra & undies 👙
Not just any old undies.
But her favourite pair from her 10 pack for $10 postpartum black undies.
From nearly 2 years ago.
Size 20 👄

The zombies meal had cooled down a little. Not enough to burn him, and if it did, oh well 🔥
She fought with him, he kicked out and screamed.
She finally buckled him in to his high chair 😱 The workout hadn't even begun.

💯 burpees was the challenge today.
Why? Because it will be really funny to write about. That's why.

Down she went. In the middle of the kitchen.
Her knees cracked.
Her back hurt.
Her arms wobbled.
Her gut slapped the floor.
And up.
1 down 99 to go.

Crack, ouch, wibble, wobble, slap. 2
On and on up to 10.
Sweat dribbled down her neck onto her heaving cleavage.

Every time she got back up the zombie who was sitting in his highchair thought it was hilarious.
Giggling with glee at her pain.
Fucker!

Off she stormed up the hallway.
She would not be judged in her house!

Crack, ouch, wibble, wobble, slap. 11
Bang out a quick 10.
Up she jumped, running back down the hallway to make sure the zombie was still eating his dinner.
He shrieked with laughter.
Fucker!

Crack, ouch, wibble, wobble, slap - try to do as many as she can reeeeeally quickly. 
30!

Crack, ouch, wibble, wobble, slap. 
31. Fart. Crash. The zombie just threw something on the floor.
32. Small fart 💨 
33. Small high pitched fart 💨 
34. Big loud fart 💨💨💨
Zombie laughter.

35-50 Crack, ouch, wibble, wobble, slap.
Jump up.
She had a head spin 🤡

Just do 5 at a time.
Crack, ouch, wibble, wobble, slap
5 more, ok just make it 3.
Her chest heaved.
Ohhh the asthmatic rhythm 🌬

Each time her gut slapped the ground, it was like a whip crack.

Crack, ouch, wibble, wobble, slap.
Crack, ouch, wibble, wobble, slap.
Crack, ouch, wibble, wobble, slap.

Collapse.
Her stomach was red from smacking the tiles.
Think dry belly flop.
Let's just say her burpees are a little bit different to everyone else's.
Ohh the pain....

She tried to get up.
But she couldn't.
Something was sucking her to the ground.
What. The. Fuck?
Again she tried to push up off the ground.
Nope.

Then she realised what it was.
No, her arms hadn't given up on life.
But her massive belly button had acted like a suction cap and suctioned her to the floor.
Think plunger 💭

She had to creep her hand under her belly to release the suction 🤚 
POP!

The moral of the story?
Don't do burpees.

True story.


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