Okay, so I'm pretty sure you are all waiting for my Stones Corner parkrunreview, it will be up tomorrow. I promise.
Today I almost drowned.
I decided to go to my local swimming pool and do some laps.
That was not before a humiliating moment in a Big W change room, trying on a pair of swimmers, Will yelling out "boooooobies" and running off, through the changing room curtain.
I had to take off after him, in a swimsuit I thought they were going to have to cut me out of 🤦♀️👙
I got dressed in my modest rashie 👕
Grabbed a towel
Gathered a few $2 coins 💰
In the car 🚗
Up the road 🛣
Fark!!! I've gotta get petrol ⛽️
It's impossible to pump petrol, whilst clinging to the towel wrapped around you waist & look sexy.
I arrived at the local pool and was greeted by a lifesaver ⛑
Not a Bondi Rescue lifesaver.
He was eating a Granny Smith apple, that's not where my issue with him ended, seriously, who eats raw un-apple-pied Granny Smith apple?
"$5.50" he spluttered at me mid chew.
I gave him $6
"I don't have the key to the change tin" 🔑
I honestly think it's a good idea he isn't the holder of the key on the change tin.
It was decided I would get my change later 💰
Find a spot for my towel.
Grab my goggles.
Pull my togs out of my arse 🍑
Make my way over to the pools edge.
Reverse climb down the stairs.
Holy shit balls!
It was fucking freezing ❄️
Immediate erect nipples freezing 📍📍
Catch your breath freezing.
Why the fuck am I doing this????
Ohhh yeah, that's right, because I signed up to do the Long Tri - 300m swim at the Triathlon Pink 🏊♀️🚴♀️🏃♀️
Coldness of the water sucks all will to swim out of me.
There wasn't much to start with 🤷♀️
Just a couple of of laps.
That's all I will do, a couple of laps.
First lap, owww my shoulder, owww my erect nipples slicing through the water.
They acted like fins on a surfboard 🏄♀️
3 strokes and breath.
3 strokes and breath.
Okay, 2 strokes and breath.
2 strokes and breath.
Every bloody stoke breath.
Get to the other end.
Cling to the wall.
Gasping for breath.
I worked my way back down the pool.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see waving arms.
It's was old mate Granny Smith.
He was trying to get my attention 🙅♂️
I stopped swimming, ripped off my goggles thinking there was something wrong. Had my pubes clogged the filter?!?
"Here's your change"
I shit you not 💩
I was mid lap swimming, and he was trying to give me a 50c coin.
"Really" I said to him.
Clearly he doesn't know who he is dealing with.
He just looked at me like I was the stupid one.
"I don't really care about my change right about now" I told him.
I was so carful not to swear, the pool was full of kids.
I wanted to ask him "where the fuck should I put it?" BUT I didn't.
I asked him to put it with my towel.
Then I had to go through the debacle of trying to explain what a towel was 🤦♀️
Goggles back on whilst trying to tread water.
Make it back to the other end.
Goggles off, empty the water out.
I had acclimatised to the water temperature.
But I had not acclimatised to the children I was surrounded by.
I had exclusive use of the lap lane.
Not because Mr Beenleigh Rescue had finally recognised me, but because no one else is stupid enough to want to swim laps.
Lose count of laps.
Start to get a little cocky with my laps and try to do a proper swimming tumble turn thingie.
Attempt the turn too close to the end of the lane.
Whack my head against the wall 🤕
Whack my arse against the wall 🍑
Snort the whole black line off the bottom of the pool up my nose.
Surge to the surface.
Coughing & spluttering,
Gasping for breath.
I think Beenleigh Rescue is laughing at me 😂
Start swimming 🏊♀️
And keep on swimming.
A few laps of freestyle.
A few laps of breaststroke.
Lap after lap after lap.
I swam for 30.09 minutes.
I don't know what the hell I did with my Garmin Australia watch but it reckons I swam 2k in 30 minutes ⌚️
So I'm expecting a phone call from the Australian Olympic Team sometime this week 🇦🇺
FYI my watch must be drunk, there is no way I swam 2k.
My ears are now full of water 👂 💦
Pick my togs back out of my arse. She must have gotten hungry from all that swimming.
I attempted to do a sexy hair flip.
I ended up looking like a wet dog drying to dry myself off.
Back to my towel.
Pick up that very important 50c coin.
Wrap myself up.
Make my way to the exit.
"Good swim?"Beenleigh Rescue asks me.
"Yep" I reply.
And I walk away to leave, then duck back and ask him "how long is this pool?"
(I know you are thinking I'm an idiot at this point)
"33m" he replied.
Then I took my 50c coin and left.
I'm still not sure who is the stupider, the 50c coin chasing Mr Beenleigh Rescue or the person who signed off on a 33m pool being built?
Ironmums swimming cap
A 25 visit pool pass so I'm not chased for change again 🤑