Ben & I hit the road early, we had a free babysitter 🚗
Like 2 hours early.
Time for a nervous wee 💦
Which then turned into a nervous poo 💩
Time the get changed into my very non flattering rashie which makes me look like a killer whale 🐳
We made our way into the watersports entrance and were greeted by the fantastic team from Aquavue.
We read through the terms and conditions - then we signed our lives away.
Fuck - I had paid for this the day before, there was no backing out now!
We met Paul our instructor.
I paid the extra $15 each for a 15 minute intro class.
Thank fuck I did.
It went a little like this:
“Have you surfed before?” 🏄♀️
“Have you snowboarded before” 🏂
“So you’re a real beginner then”
And this moment I felt so sorry for this poor bastard.
He was going to have to work really hard for that extra $15
After showing us how to set up our paddle length we made our way over to the boards.
He explained how to get started, how to steer, basically how not to die.
Down to the water we went - carting our boards with us.
Leg strap on.
At this moment I felt a bit like Kelly Slater 🏄♀️
I clambered on to the board.
Sat back up on my heels 👠
And kind of paddled.
Ben went off and did his own thing - before I knew it, he was up in his feet & actually doing it!
I on the other hand, hopeless.
Paul was in the water 💦 with me encouraging me to start to kneel.
I was quite happy paddling on my bum around in a circle ⭕️
Eventually my feet started to go numb so I had to try something new.
With a whole lotta shaking I go up into my knees.
Paddle paddle paddle.
Ben fell in 🤭
My knees started to kill me.
Suck it up.
Wobble, shake, rattle & roll - I managed to get up into my feet.
For 10 seconds.
Then I fell in.
I fell hard.
In 40cm of water.
“Good work” Paul shouts out.
“You’re doing really well”.
Paul hung around with us to make sure we had somewhat of an idea what we were doing 💡
Then we were let loose on the open seas 🌊
Paddle, paddle, paddle, fall, splash, swallow a litre of water 💧
Climb back on, knees, standing, falling, splashing.
Do that for 30 minutes straight.
I eventually got the hang of it.
Up on my feet.
Paddle paddle paddle.
Paddle Paddle Paddle Paddle Paddle Paddle Paddle Paddle.
I’m trying to paddle upstream.
I paddled in 1 spot for 8 minutes and never got anywhere - fuck you wind 🌬
That’s when I started the new & upcoming trend.
It’s called Sit Down Paddle Boarding.
I’m going to make millions 💰💰💰💰
I sat down and paddled.
And kicked my legs in the water 🌊
And may have wet myself a little.
Something touched my foot.
Was it a shark? 🦈
An crab? 🦀
Nope - just my leg rope.
Ben is off, paddling off in the distance & takes a massive spill.
I watch & laugh as he struggles to get back on the board.
I managed to get my paddle stuck in the sand, I literally go arse over tit into the water, snorting an Olympic sized pool worth of water up my nose 👃
I’d had enough.
I’m getting out.
Then I see Paul walking towards us, finally our hour is up!
Paddle boarding is over!
He then tells me we have 15 more minutes to go - thanks but no thanks.
I’m exhausted 😩
Ben makes his way to shore 🏖
Minus his hat which is making its way out to Fraser Island as we speak 🌴
We take out paddles & boards back up to the building, put the gear back on the racks & said our goodbyes.
Also pick my togs out of my arse 🍑 & dump out the sand out of my crutch that made me look like I had a penis.
Paul was absolutely fantastic.
If you make the trip to Hervey Bay - see the guys at Aquavue & give it a go.
Would I stand up paddle board again?
My idea for sit down paddle boarding has been stolen!
By some arsehole who invented something called kayaking 🚣♀️