She unraveled the long plastic cord.
Hmmmm the strong smell of cheap Kmart plastic skipping rope 👃
The kid had gone down for his nap 😴
She opened the back door 🚪
And stepped out into the patio.
She was going to do her skipping here, so that her arsehole neighbours couldn't see.
Especially the old bitch next door who loved to "yoohoo" over the fence.👵🏼
She swung the skipping rope behind her head, it came to a rest behind her ankles.
She took a deep breath & prepared to jump.
As she swung her tuck shop arms in a clockwise motion, her legs almost ready to defy gravity..... BANG.
Fuck, what was that?? Little bit of wee.
Ohh the skipping rope had hit the roof of that patio.
Fuck! Did she wake up the child? No
Had it caused Buddy, the old bitch neighbours arsehole of a dog to start barking? Yes.
"Fuck off Buddy" she hissed.
Buddy fucked off.
Ughhhh she was going to have to skip in the great outdoors.
Her fully fenced backyard.
It was midday on a Friday.
No one was around, other than Buddy.
She positioned herself in the middle of the backyard, surveying her surroundings.
She didn't want to bang 💥 or whack anything.
She just wanted to skip.
Actually it's a lie, she didn't want to skip.
She wanted likes 👍
She swung her arms around and attempted to jump.
Gravity was against her.
She caught her reflection in the glass sliding door.
She had visions of herself jumping high into the air.
Think "oh what a feeling" Toyota high.
In reality, she got 3 inches off the ground
& everything jiggled.
She had visions of Rocky Balboa skipping.
She got a rhythm going.
Jump, jump, jump.
With each jump her boobs swung in the wind.
Jump, jump, jump.
Her boobs were now 3 inches closer to the ground. #saggy
Her heart rate was sky high.
Her chest heaved.
The asthmatic jolts of her chest 👄
Sweat made her hair wet 💦
She was a sight to behold.
Buddy the bastard barked at her again.
"Fuck off Buddy"!!!!
Again, Buddy fucked off.
She knew she had to channel her inner Rocky Balboa 🥊
Time to up the ante.
She channeled her inner 8 year old and attempted the criss-cross......
She whipped herself.
"Ahhhh" she screamed.
Not a sexy scream.
But a fuck that hurt scream.
Criss-cross, jump, whip, ahhhh - repeat.
Double unders, jump, whack, ahhhh -repeat.
She had whipped & whacked the shit out of herself.
Her legs were covered in welts from the skipping rope.
This was 50 Shades of Grey Bruising.
She couldn't handle much more.
She had almost peaked.
Finally she screamed out "parkrun".
"parkrun, parkrun, parkrun".
That was the predetermined safe word.
Buddy barked 🐕
The old neighbour "yoohoo'd" 👵🏼
She dropped the skipping rope in the middle of the yard.
And she just walked inside 🚶♀️
Skipping life wasn't for her.
What adventure next?
You will just have to wait and see.
Until next time......