The Penetrator

The Penetrator

After checking out some cheapie bikes in Kmart for my triathlon, seeing the box the bikes come in, with a little note Allen Key included. Thanks but no thanks.

I decided to make the trip to my local bike shop South East Cycles in Beenleigh

I walked in & there I saw it.
Hanging in the wall.
My new bike 🚲 
It was $1000 off - how could I not buy it 🤑

The bike expert told me they would need a few days to get it ready with pedals.
And whatever you do with bikes 🤷‍♀️
I told the fella I have no idea how to ride a flash road bike 🚴‍♀️
But I was assured it would be okay - they would give me a lesson on the Wind Machine 💨

I told them I'd call and make an appointment to come back and pick it up, I paid for it and left.

Eventually like a week later I remember I had bought a bike and decided to call.
I spoke with Brendan the owner.
Apparently I was the mystery woman who had bought a bike but they had no idea who I was.
I failed to leave my details with them.
I mean, how the fuck don't you know who I am?!?!

So I say I'll be in on Friday to pick him up.
Yes, my bike is a boy 🍆

I arrive at the shop and introduce myself to Brendan & there he was.
My new shiny bike.
I didn't have a name picked out as yet, I wasn't organised.
Terrible mother I know!

I told Brendan I don't even drive a manual car, so riding a proper road bike was going to be interesting.
I also found out that I have short legs but a long torso, this is all relevant to my bike 🤷‍♀️

He told me he would put the bike in the wind machine and he would show me.
Now Beyoncé & I have our definition of a wind machine, it's standing in front of a fan looking all sexy🌬
Apparently my definition is different to the cycling community.
It's a thing.
A thing you attach your bike to.
A thing that holds the back wheel on a thing, and you pedal, and the thing works.

"On you hop" I was instructed.
Fuck!!! I whacked my vadge on the seat.
Whimper 😰
"Off you hop, the seat needs to go up"
Off I get, whimpering softly, trying not to grab myself like Michael Jackson 🕴

The seat is adjusted 💺 
I get back on.
Smashing my vadge in the process.
This ain't good.
The seat is pretty much inside me 😳
The next minute, I shit you not, the butcher from next door comes in offering sausage samples.
I would much rather swap the seat for a sausage 🌭

By now my vadge is pretty much numb.
Up the gears ⬆️
Down the gears ⬇️
Up the gears ⬆️ 
Down the gears ⬇️
At this point I just decide I'm keeping this bike in 1st gear and I'll just ride like that forever.

Brendan asks my how the seat feels.
(Obviously I didn't tell him I had been penetrated by the seat.
I'm pretty sure I read a no refunds sign if the seat enters you near the counter) I told him I had a callous from Spin Class so I was fine 🚴‍♀️
That poor bloke didn't know where to look 👀

And that's the moment The Penetrator was born 🚴‍♀️

**Can I just say, if you can afford it, spend a little bit extra on your bike, go to your local bike shop. 
They really have a wealth of knowledge, they take the time to talk to you, they look at you on the bike, make all the necessary adjustments.
Best of all you are supporting local business 🙂


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